How to Manage Tense Interactions with Tonglen
You know the feeling. The blood rushes to your cheeks, making them flushed and hot. The hair on the back of your neck is standing on end. You can hear a fast whoosh in your ears. Your heart starts pounding. You sense tingling in your hands, which are starting to sweat. These are all physical signs of “fight or flight” mode, which tends to emerge during moments of conflict between people.
Let’s say that in this tense moment, you’re standing across from a loved one with serious mental illness. Perhaps one or both of you are feeling triggered by something recently done or said. Maybe your loved one is struggling a lot right now, and you’re feeling overwhelmed by their pain as well as your own. You don’t want to say or do anything that you’ll regret later on, you want to express your anger in a way that can be heard, and you want to choose your next words and actions wisely. But it’s hard to do all of that when you feel like a bull about to charge!
In moments like these, it’s important to have tools that set you up to be able to respond thoughtfully to the situation. Enter tonglen, a simple but potent mindfulness practice that helps to stoke compassion and understanding for self and others. It also helps to soothe the mind and body.¹,²
One of the many things I love about tonglen is that it can be done on the fly in a tense moment such as an argument—without the other person even necessarily being aware that you’re doing it. Tonglen can also serve as an important buffer between a trigger and your response.
History of tonglen
The practice of tonglen came to Tibet in the 11th century by way of India. During that period in Tibetan history, a wave of leprosy rolled through the country. Buddhist monks used tonglen as a method of long-distance healing for those who fell ill.²
The literal meaning of tonglen elegantly describes its mechanism of action: “Tong” translates from Tibetan as “sending out” or “releasing” and “len” translates as “receiving” or “accepting.” With tonglen, pain and challenging feelings are first received on the inhale. Then, compassion, spaciousness, and relief are sent out on the exhale.¹
Goals of tonglen
Ultimately, tonglen achieves three main goals¹,²:
It encourages us to be present with pain—both our own and others’—without pushing it away
It nurtures compassion for self and others
It instills a greater sense of well-being, awareness, peace, and calm
“Of course, at some point you have to react to the person who is yelling at you, but by introducing some space and warmth into the situation, you will probably deal with it more skillfully.”
— PEMA CHÖDRÖN
Although tonglen has roots in Buddhism, it has gained traction as a widely recognized mental health support tool in psychotherapy and other secular arenas.² Tonglen can be practiced in two ways: informally (e.g., doing a brief version during the middle of an argument) or formally (i.e., taking time on your own to do the full four-stage process).¹
Below, I’ll share steps for both the “quickie” informal tonglen that you can use during moments of conflict as well as the formal four-stage version. As American Tibetan Buddhist nun, teacher, and author Pema Chödrön observes, practicing the quick version on a regular basis helps to prepare you for doing the longer version.¹
Quick tonglen practice
Breathe in pain. Breathe in the painful, challenging feelings “in the field” between you and the other person.
Breathe out peace. Breathe out intentions of spaciousness and calm for yourself, the other person in the argument, and all of the people who have navigated a similar situation.
Repeat and reevaluate. Continue breathing in pain and breathing out peace for a minute or two. Then, reevaluate the situation and assess what needs to be done. Can you propose a mutual “time-out” until you’ve both cooled off? Can you ask each other what each person needs right now? Can you invite them to do a minute of tonglen with you? Do you need to set a firm, “fierce compassion” boundary, like “I care about you, and I also need to step away from this conversation right now because I feel disrespected when you speak to me with that sharp tone”?
Four-stage full tonglen practice
Settle your mind: Take a few moments to settle your mind while focusing on stillness and being in an openhearted place.
Start to visualize: Begin taking deep breaths. As you inhale, visualize hot, heavy, dark smoke as the manifestation of pain. Imagine that your body is transmuting this hot, heavy, dark smoke into calming, bright light beams of empathy, which you send out on the outbreath.
Identify the recipient: Bring to mind a challenging situation involving someone in your life (such as researching treatment options for a spouse with mental health issues) or yourself (such as managing feelings of low self-esteem).
Let your compassion bloom: Start to deepen and elongate your breaths. Take in the pain (or anger, low self-esteem, etc.) on the inbreath and send out love, compassion, and relief on the outbreath to the recipient(s) you identified in step 3. Let your compassion continue to bloom, larger and larger, wider and wider, on each outbreath.
Summary
Tonglen is a simple but powerful mindfulness practice that can be used in many challenging situations, such as conflicts. If you have a loved one with serious mental illness, tonglen can be an invaluable tool to help you to be present with pain (instead of turning away from it), as well as more compassionate, aware, and calm. It can also help ground and support you in tense moments so that you can make more skillful choices about how to respond in the situation.
Note: While tonglen can be an amazing tool and ongoing practice, if you are in an interaction that is physically unsafe, prioritize safety first and get help by calling 911.
References
1. Chödrön P. Tonglen on the spot. Tricycle magazine website. https://tricycle.org/magazine/tonglen-spot/. Published 2002. Accessed July 18, 2022.
2. Mindowl. What is Tonglen meditation and how do I practise it? Mindowl website. https://mindowl.org/tonglen-meditation/. Accessed July 18, 2022.