(Special Grief-Affirming and Codependency Recovery Edition!)

With the current spate of layoffs, you and/or someone you know may be reeling from a recent job loss. Besides the obvious sting of income and benefit loss, a layoff can contribute to many other less tangible but nonetheless painful losses. (This can even happen with a job that one otherwise feels somewhat relieved to have lost.)

What’s more, layoff-related losses like the following—no matter how temporary—can easily go unacknowledged and undersupported:

• Identity

• Sense of meaning and purpose

• Work relationships and community

• Daily structure

• Self-esteem

• Optimism about the future

• Clarity about what’s next

  
  

The overculture tends to have a fraught relationship with how to navigate uncomfortable but universal experiences of loss, like layoffs, relationship endings, illness, and death.  

Acknowledging the grief of a layoff

Ultimately, like all losses, a layoff often involves a grieving process. Grief can look like depression, anxiety, anger, numbness, low energy, distractedness, cranking into restless activity (midnight LinkedIn doom-scrolling, anyone?), and many other things.

Generally speaking, people usually want to show their support for the laid-off person but might not know the best way to do it. And this “not-knowing” can turn into either pulling an awkward disappearing act (thereby eliminating the possibility of providing that much-needed support) or making well-intended but insensitive comments.

However, this awkwardness regarding how to best respond to another person’s loss makes a lot of sense. As a society, we aren't really taught how to genuinely witness and support others' loss. This is because the overculture¹* tends to have a fraught relationship with how to navigate uncomfortable but universal experiences of loss, like layoffs, relationship endings, illness, and death.

Instead, we are often taught to:

• "Fix" (i.e., quickly resolve and eliminate) challenging feelings in ourselves and others

• Intellectualize grief

• Rush to find the silver lining before the grieving process has even had a chance to run its natural course

Becoming grief-affirming

Similar to the growth of death-positive movement, it seems that we’re at a pivot point as a society where we need to actively start moving toward affirming grief instead of just ignoring it because it’s uncomfortable and stirs our fear of impermanence. Plus, since what we resist tends to persist, affirming grief instead of burying it actually gives us a fighting chance at working through it and coming out on the other side.

For those who want to support and who are also navigating emotional codependency

If you’re in codependency recovery, it’s particularly important to be mindful of not overriding or “fixing” grief—neither your own nor other people’s. Further, if you’re in the process of overcoming codependency, I suggest that you dial into some fierce self-compassion and get crystal-clear with yourself about what it looks like to support the laid-off person from a truly balanced place. This way, you can prevent codependency symptoms from creeping in—such as overextending yourself by performing extensive job-searching or trying to do their inner emotional work on their behalf.

"Some things cannot be fixed; they can only be carried. Grief like yours, love like yours, can only be carried."

—MEGAN DEVINE

How to provide genuine support for someone dealing with a layoff

With grief affirmation plus codependency recovery in mind, I suggest the following ways to support the laid-off person from a balanced, resourced place:

1. Instead of asking "How are you?," which can feel awkward to answer when someone is feeling like the rug just got pulled from underneath them and set on fire, say "How can I best support you right now?"

2. Check in at the beginning of a conversation—do they just need to rant for a bit and be heard? Or would they like some feedback or advice? (Don’t forget to cross-check their request with your own capacity at that time—that way, you can stay within your limits for everyone’s benefit.)

3. Take an honest self-inventory of what you can and can’t offer your friend/former coworker/partner/family member so you don't overpromise or underdeliver. If you’re feeling particularly overwhelmed, then it probably won't make sense for you (or them) if you offer to lend an ear if you're unable to be present for them right now. If what you can realistically offer at this time is a quick but heartfelt text message of solidarity or a 30-minute Zoom call to review their resume with them, then do that. Bottom line: commit to doing the things you are able to do with genuine presence and care. That way, you can show honest-to-goodness support with integrity.

4. Holidays and even birthdays can already be a challenging time of year, particularly for people who have lost loved ones (including death, divorce, separation, or breakups) or who have strained relationships with family members. If someone is simultaneously dealing with a layoff, it may be one of the most brutal times of their year. Instead of wishing someone "Happy holidays!" or "Have a wonderful birthday!," or asking “What are you treating your sweetie to this Valentine’s Day?,” which can feel insensitive, calibrate your comments to realistically meet the laid-off person where they're at. For example, "I know there's a lot going on right now. I'm sending you some comfort, strength, and a box of hot cocoa mix. Know that I'm rooting for you."

In conclusion

A layoff can be a particularly painful experience of loss on multiple levels. Grieving these losses (even the temporary ones) is crucial, as is getting emotional and logistical support. By affirming the grief, and by offering sensitive, caring support from a balanced, clear place within yourself, you can make a significant positive difference in a laid-off person’s life.

*”Overculture” is psychoanalyst and author Clarissa Pinkola Estés, Ph.D.’s term for “the grid that…slams down or sometimes subversively dreams down over the spirits and souls of human beings...in order to diminish them, set them into matchboxes, exhort them to behave, or else.”

Reference
1. Estés, Clarissa Pinkola. Facebook, March 4, 2015. https://www.facebook.com/29996683634/photos/dear-brave-souls-on-the-word-ive-coined-called-the-overculture-q-a-soul-asks-i-a/10152805542223635/. Accessed February 7, 2023.